Is That What You Really Want
by rooster dawn
Summary: Summary: Mac deals with Harm’s rejection after killing her husband and his dating Jordan.
1. Chapter 1

Title: _**Is That What You Really Want**_

Author: rooster dawn

Classification: Harm/Mac

Spoiler: Silent Service to Goodbyes

Summary: Mac deals with Harm's rejection after killing her husband and his dating Jordan.

Disclaimer: The characters of JAG are the property of Donald Bellisario and Bellisarius Production, Inc. Used without permission. No copyright infringement intended. May be reproduce if unchanged, author given full credit, and no financial transaction is involved.

_Feedback is greatly appreciated and welcomed._

part 1

1700 hours

13 Mar 99

Mac's Office

It had been a cold and miserable winter. For the last six months nothing seem to going right. They had gotten so close before disaster struck her down. It had come from a source she had long forgotten about.

Her ex-husband Chris had shown up. For some unknown reason he wanted to be a part of her life again. Her happy life was destroyed. Mac sat in her office wondering if her life would ever be the same.

At one time the sky seem to be the limit. She had gone to Russia with him to help search for his father. The month they had spent together in Russia was wonderful except for the part being shot down.

It had been just the two of them with no outside pressure or advice from well meaning friends. They had really bonded. It seemed like they were getting really close. She had even spent a couple nights sleeping in his arms.

They were able to talk about how they felt. She had been there every step of the way for him. He found out how his father had died protecting a woman from being rape. The woman had saved his father after his escape.

His father had nearly die in the cold of winter. She had been there for him, to comfort him in his time of need. He had died free and had been loved.

She thought Harm would finally be able to move on and let someone into his life to love and be loved. They had spent the weekend at his mother's house upon returning from Russia and then a few days at his Grandmother's farm.

They had explained to Trish and Grandma Sarah what had happened to Harm Senior after he was shot down in Viet Nam. Mac had been surprise to see that it brought relief to both of them, but somehow not quite to Harm.

She didn't completely understand this. She knew his father was very important to him. That his father indirectly had been a major influence in his life, after all Harm did join the Navy and become an aviator, but his father had only been a small part of Harm's life for five years.

There had been many more people in Harm's life who were more influential, his mother and grandmother came quickly to mind. But there was also the CAG, the Admiral, Keeter, and even Diane, her look alike twin.

In many ways she had been the most influential of them all. She had been there to nurture him and console him through the academy years and after he had the ramp strike.

But for some reason Harm actually seemed to fall back into his shell even further after finding out the truth, that his father was dead.

She had hope she could be there to help him deal with the pain of finally knowing his father was dead and wasn't ever going to be coming back. After maintaining a brave front with his mother and grandmother, he seemed to become depress when he returned to Washington.

Then her world fell apart. Her ex-husband Chris showed up during a time Harm was busy with Boobie Latham, the bitch from bureaucratic hell.

What was it with that woman? Every time there was a problem affecting the military, she showed up flexing her scrawny anemic muscles. And of course she would always run to Harm and tell Harm how to do his job.

Funny thing was ninety nine percent of the time she was wrong about whatever it was. She was always so ill prepared and misinformed. She was a pain in the six. She needed to get a life of her own and stay away from hers.

Anyways she needed Harm that night, but he was cooking dinner for Boobie. She didn't want to intrude. She didn't know what was going on with the she devil, so she told Harm she would to talk to him later hoping that he would follow her out, but of course he hadn't.

For once why couldn't he put her needs first? She was terribly disappointed and hurt. How could Harm, who knew her better than she knew herself, not know she needed him?

She had followed him to Russia. All he had to do was follow her out the door. He had always been there for her when she needed him, except for that night. She didn't want to think about what they did after dinner.

Soon there after her life fell apart. Chris was looking for a handout. A dingo from Australia arrived into her life to harass her. And Harm wasn't there for her. She ended up killing her husband in self defense because he wouldn't leave.

Even though Harm defended her during the trial and in public, he emotionally deserted her afterwards. They never did talk about Chris. She had married him during the summer when she was seventeen years old to get away from her abusive father.

The marriage had turned out not to be legal because she wasn't eighteen at the time and needed permission from a parent to get married. It's why she never bothered get a divorce.

She could only assume that Harm was angry with her because she had never told him about Chris or about Colonel John Farrow, her mentor.

She also suspected Harm was disappointed in her for having an affair with Colonel John Farrow, her Commanding Officer, when she was twenty four. She was still young and naive. She had hoped that eventually they would talk about it, but that wasn't going to be the case.

She thought everything was going to be okay between them after their trip to Iran to rescued his best friend Jack Keeter. She had spent several days with Jack finding out more about the Harm's younger days and other things she didn't know.

She found out why he was afraid to open up and why he didn't express his feelings. She thought he had overcome his disappointment and had forgiven her. He had hugged her warmly goodbye before he left her in the desert.

He seem desperate to let her know he still cared for her even though they were going through a rough spot. He even gave her a bigger hug when she returned to the Seahawk a couple of days later when she arrived with Keeter.

It had appeared to her that he was so happy to see her. She felt so love at that moment. She felt they would overcome her not telling him about Chris, but instead everything fell apart soon there after.

Missing the emotional contact with Harm, Mac became a big sister to a young lady name Chloe. She had recently lost her mother and was causing her step father a lot of problems. Soon after that Harm decided to start a relationship with Jordan at Christmas time.

She was a pretty blond anemic navy commander who had been arrested for driving drunk and crashing into a nativity scene. Harm, ever the need to be the white knight, came to the rescue of the damsel in distress.

She had hoped that she and Harm could get back to where their relationship was before Chris had shown up. She hoped they would spend the holidays together.

Maybe they could start talking about moving their relationship forward to the next level. Was his dating Jordan suppose to be his way of punishing her for not being completely honest with him?

It was so hard for her to talk about her past. It was filled with so much pain, suffering, and abandonment. He knew this. Why couldn't he understand?

Now it was three months later and it looked so hopeless. She and Harm were fighting all the time now. They weren't able to agree on how to defend their clients anymore.

They were hardly talking to each other except when absolutely necessary. They didn't see each other outside of work anymore. They didn't share any meals together anymore. She didn't know how much more of this she could stand.

Maybe it was time for her to start thinking about transferring to another command. She couldn't live her life this way, not sleeping and eating. She had already lost fifteen pounds that she really couldn't afford to lose in the first place.

Maybe it was time to see the Admiral about leaving. Anywhere else had to be better than this. It was almost time to go home. Home to a place where it seem no one wanted to be. What was wrong with her? Why couldn't anyone love her? Why didn't Harm love her?

1100 hours

20 March 1999

Jag Headquarters

A week later Harm and Mac were standing in the Admiral's office. The look on the Admiral's face scared Mac. It wasn't often she saw this side of him and it never was very good. He also was having them stand at attention longer then usual.

"At ease and have a seat." ordered the Admiral.

"What's going on between you two? You've had disagreements before and have found a way to work through them. Can either one of you tell me what's happening?" asked a frustrated Admiral.

"We've seem to have hit a bump in the road Sir. We've been having difficulty agreeing on how to represent our client. The Commander believes his way is always better, I do not." replied Mac.

"Do you agree Commander?" asked the Admiral.

"Yes Sir. We seem to have hit an impasse. I don't see it changing anytime soon Sir." answered Harm.

"Well I'm taking you both off the case. Your client isn't happy with either one of you. I have a more important case for the both of you anyway.

It seems like the USS Watertown has developed some problems and surfaced in the middle of a sailing regatta. Can I trust that the two of you can work together on this?" asked the Admiral.

"Yes Sir! We'll do our best." they both replied.

"Good! I also expect the two of you to work out whatever the problem is. Have I made myself clear?" bellowed the Admiral.

"Yes Sir!" they both replied. "See Tiner about travel arrangements to the USS Watertown.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: _**Is That What You Really Want**_

Author: rooster dawn

Classification: Harm/Mac

Spoiler: Silent Service to Goodbyes

Summary: Mac deals with Harm's rejection after killing her husband and his dating Jordan.

Disclaimer: The characters of JAG are the property of Donald Bellisario and Bellisarius Production, Inc. Used without permission. No copyright infringement intended. May be reproduce if unchanged, author given full credit, and no financial transaction is involved.

_Feedback is greatly appreciated and welcomed._

part 2

2000 hours

Barents Sea

USS Watertown

Nine hours later they were lowered from the helicopter to the USS Watertown. It had been a long trip and they both were tired. All they wanted to do was to grab some rack time. They were greeted by the Commander and his Executive Office (XO).

"Commander Rabb, Major MacKenzie good to see you. I hope you can figure out what happen." greeted the Commander.

"Yes Sir. We plan on conducting an investigation tomorrow morning Sir." replied Harm.

"I know the two of you must be exhausted after your long trip here to the Watertown. Unfortunately due to some unforeseen illness aboard ship we have only one available cabin. You'll both have to share it. I assume that won't be a problem?" offered the Commander.

"No Sir!" they both replied.

"Good. XO will show you to your cabin. Dismiss." ordered the Commander.

'Just what I need, to be stuck in the same room as Harm. It's bad enough there isn't a lot of room to move around on this damm boat, but now I have to share a cabin with him. Argh !!' Mac screamed to herself as she quietly walked behind Harm to their quarters.

'God what am I going to do? Here I am in a dream come true setting sharing a room with Mac and we're fighting. She's so beautiful. At least I'll have a bed to watch her sleep from this time. She looks like an angel when she's sleeping.' thought Harm as he walked along.

The next morning they began their interviews. Mac was having problems with her pen. It seemed to be out of ink.

"XO give her your PDA (palm digital assistant)." ordered the Commander.

"Yes Sir." moaned the XO.

Mac took the palm recorder with reservations. She hated inconveniencing anyone. She and Harm spent the next couple of the days interviewing everyone who was on watch at the time of the incident.

The only conclusive thing they could come up with it must have been something they ate. All the crew on duty had eaten the pancakes and hash browns.

When they retired for the night back in their cabin there still was tension between the two of them. Mac was tired of the tension between them. She was tired of the fighting. Something had to give.

In the past they had been able to deal with their problems better when they were away from Washington. She had thought, maybe they might be able to so again, maybe they could talk.

They were quite far away from Washington. They had the privacy of the cabin to talk in. Maybe they could come to some sort of an understanding. They needed to do something. She couldn't live like this anymore.

Meanwhile Harm had been quietly contemplating what to do next. He hated fighting with Mac. She could be so stubborn at times. Why couldn't she just let him lead the investigation, allow him to choose the direction of the path they took?

Why did she have to fight him every step of the way? They always seemed to get along better when she let him decide how they were going to do things, when she was honest with him.

She was suppose to be the stable one, who did things by the book. He needed her to be his anchor. He was lost when she wasn't.

Life was difficult enough in the navy fighting the waves of self doubts he had about himself, especially now that he knew his father was dead and never coming home. He needed her to be his rock, not another wave of doubt in his life. He didn't want to doubt her friendship and love.

"Harm, I think we should talk." Mac quietly said to Harm. She didn't want to startle him.

"About what Mac?" asked Harm a bit apprehensive.

"We need to talk about us Harm. We can't keep going on this way." wailed Mac softly.

"I don't know Mac, it maybe too late." replied Harm solemnly.

"It's not too late Harm, if we really want it. Maybe if we talk about what the problem is, and figure out what the deeper issues are, then we'll be okay." hoped Mac. She desperately wanted to get through whatever it was that was causing their distress.

"I'm not going there with you Mac, this isn't a marriage." snapped Harm starting to get angry.

'Just like her to think it's my fault, when it's not. You can't solve every problem by talking about it and examining them. Sometimes only time will solve them.' thought Harm.

Now it was Mac's turn to get angry. It finally dawned on her what the real problem was. He still hadn't gotten over that she had been married and slept with John Farrow.

She knew he was disappointed with her when he found out after she killed Chris and the trial afterwards. It was why he was dating Jordan, but come on, enough is enough. It's time for him to get over it. What a pompous ass he was.

"Ah! So that's really what the problem is, isn't it Harm? You wish we were married don't you? But you still have your tail feathers in an uproar. You still can't forgive me for not telling you about Chris and sleeping with John. You still punishing me." yelled Mac.

"What?" replied a stunned Harm. "Do you honestly believe that?"

"What else am I suppose to believe Harm? We had gotten so close before you got cozy with Boobie and weren't there for me when I needed you." wailed Mac as tears began to form in her eyes and blur her vision.

"How was I suppose to know you needed me, Mac. You said you would talk to me the next day, but you didn't." replied Harm getting upset.

"I followed you to Russia because I thought you needed me. You didn't need to ask me to." replied Mac as tears were now running down her cheeks.

"I didn't know." replied Harm. He wanted to take her into his arms to comfort her, but he didn't dare. There were still too many issues to deal with. He didn't believe it would help the situation.

"You should have known Harm. You should have come after me. I needed you. You would have if Boobie wasn't there." sobbed Mac.

"But oh no, God forbid the Great Harmon Rabb giving up a conquest to help out a friend." Mac continued to cry. She could barely see with the tears in her eyes.

"That's not true Mac and you know it. I was only cooking dinner for her like I do when we are working together on a case. You know I don't really care about her. She's a royal pain in my six most of the time. She always has her own agenda." replied Harm defensively.

"Then you should have come after me if that was true. How long are you going to keep punishing me Harm?" cried Mac.

"What! I'm not the one punishing you. You're the one who's doing the punishing Mac. Ever since I started dating Jordan ... " argued Harm before Mac interrupted.

"Case proven Harm, you're guilty as charge."

"What!" responded Harm befuddled.

"Harmon Rabb Junior, the knight in shining armor, he always has to help out the damsel in distress. You defended me during my murder trial, then you helped Keeter when he went down in Iran.

You didn't need to help me anymore because I was occupied with Chloe. You felt unneeded, so you help the first pretty face that came your way." yelled Mac.

"Come on Mac that's not true." whined Harm.

"Where were you on Christmas Harm? You were suppose come to my apartment and spend it with Chloe and me! You were going to help me give her a special Christmas that she hadn't had since her mother died four years ago. But where were you Harm?" demanded Mac.

"I spent it with Jordan. She was new in town. She didn't know anyone ... " Harm tried to counter before Mac interrupted.

"And you got lucky. Chloe worships the ground you walk on and you disappointed her at Christmas time, just so you could get lucky. She doesn't thinks you like her.

It's not enough that her step father and his girl friend don't care enough to give her the time of day, but you had to show her you don't care too. I never thought you would do that to a child, Harm.

Hell I never thought you would do that to me, but then again you felt the need to punish me once again because I wasn't honest with you about Chris and John." wailed Mac.

Meanwhile outside in the hallway the Commander met up with the XO.

"What the hell is going on in there? I can hear them fighting from the bridge." asked the Commander.

"It's a small ship Sir." the XO replied with a small grin.

"Don't get smart with me XO." responded the Commander.

"Sorry Sir. It all depends Sir, are they married?" asked the XO.

"I don't believe so. As far as I know married couples aren't allowed to work together in the Navy." replied the Commander.

"Well Sir, they're not really in the real Navy are they. They're lawyers Sir." smiled the XO.

"They still followed the same regs as we do XO." replied the Commander shaking his head.

"Well I don't know for sure, but they sure are arguing like they were married. I think it's beginning to get real nasty. Sounds like the Commander is cheating on the Major." smiled the XO.

"God, just what I need. I just received word from command that we need to get to the Korean peninsula. We're going to be going under the Artic icecap in less than an hour. It's going to take us fourteen days to get there." moaned the Commander. "I'm not going to put up with their fighting for fourteen days.

"You want me to talk to them Sir?" asked the XO offering to go into the lion's den.

"No, ... I'll do it." moaned the Commander.

'God!' he thought to himself. 'These two were suppose to be the best lawyers in JAG. They had a great reputation for getting the job done. How he wondered. They must have driven everybody crazy.'

"So that is the reason problem!" yelled Mac.

"What?" asked a surprised Harm.

"That you wished we were married, but your stupid male pride can't forgive me because you feel betrayed. Even though both events happened long before I ever met you.

But you know something Harm, you're not just punishing me, you're punishing yourself. We could have something really special, but you're too obstinate to want that." yelled Mac.

But before Harm could reply, there was a knock at the door. It was the Commander of the submarine.

"What's going on in here? I can hear you both from the bridge. This is a Naval Vessel, not some private residence at a resort spa. You're expected to act professionally while you're on board.

I don't want to have to inform Admiral Chegewidden, but I will if this behavior doesn't stop." bellowed the Commander.

"Yes Sir." they both replied. They were shocked that their arguement had gotten so loud to disturb the Commander.

"I came down here to inform you both we have been ordered to the Korean peninsula. We are already going under the polar icecap and will reach the Sea of Japan in fourteen days.

I expect you both to finish your investigation and have a solution in place by the time we arrive. Have I made myself understood?" bellowed the Commander.

"Yes Sir." they both replied.

"And I don't want to hear a repeat performance." ordered the Commander.

Over the next ten days they stayed away from the discussion of how they felt. They focused on the investigation and bounced ideas off each other. They examined what had happened during this time.

First the watch on duty that day all got sick. Then a man died from a pressure valve breaking. Then another crewman never recovered from being sick. And finally they all were being tested for Hepatitis A.

There were too many coincidences to believe that so many people could get sick. Something or someone must be making them ill. Harm finally figured it was Chief Hodge.

He had Bud checked Chief Hodge's records at his other duty stations. Bud found that he was a hero for saving lives there too. Chief Hodge had to be the one. He confronted Chief Hodge with the evidence.

He had Mac paged. But before he could subdue Chief Hodge, Chief Hodge struck him with a blow to his larynx. Chief Hodge then gave him a sedative to incapacitate him.

When Mac arrived and saw Harm, she was alarm. She headed out of sickbay for security with Chief Hodges following her. On the way to her destination, Mac received an e-mail from Harm to let her know it was Chief Hodge.

She gave Chief Hodge a funny look. But before she could say anything Chief Hodge blinded her with an ammonia soaked handkerchief. Mac somehow found a way to disabled Chief Hodge long enough to find her way back to Harm in sickbay.

Harm attempted to wash her eyes out with water, but Chief Hodge interrupted them. They went into another room and locked the door. But their relief was short lived as Chief Hodge found another way into the room.

He had a syringe with him to subdue Harm again. Harm managed to knocked the syringe away, but Hodge knocked him unconscious. Mac meantime found a steam release valve and opened it. It helped her eyes feel a little better.

Unfortunately for her Chief Hodge once again had rendered Harm unconscious. This allowed Chief Hodge to sneak up behind Mac and choke her, telling her that he couldn't save everyone, some must die.

Mac slowly blacked out and stopped breathing. Chief Hodge had a sense of satisfaction as though he had gotten away with murder. But the feeling was short lived.

Harm had found the syringe with the sedative and injected it into Chief Hodge. He fell to the floor unconscious. Harm saw Mac lying on the floor unconscious. He yelled "Mac!" as he felt for a pulse and check for breathing.

He quickly gave her mouth to mouth breathing, blowing long even breaths into her. After the fifth breath Mac began coughing and gasping for air. Harm pulled her up between his arms so she was resting against his chest.

"Thank God Mac. I thought I had lost you. You weren't breathing." stated a relieved Harm.

Mac didn't say anything as she tried to regain her breathing and composure. She wanted to enjoy the feeling of being held by Harm. She reached up her hand to caress his face.

"Don't ever scare me like that again Mac. I don't ever want to lose you. I don't know how I would ever survive if you weren't here." whispered Harm softly as tears formed in his eyes.

"I'll never leave you Harm." replied Mac softly.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: _**Is That What You Really Want**_

Author: rooster dawn

Classification: Harm/Mac

Spoiler: Silent Service to Goodbyes

Summary: Mac deals with Harm's rejection after killing her husband and his dating Jordan.

Disclaimer: The characters of JAG are the property of Donald Bellisario and Bellisarius Production, Inc. Used without permission. No copyright infringement intended. May be reproduce if unchanged, author given full credit, and no financial transaction is involved.

_Feedback is greatly appreciated and welcomed._

part 3

2100 hours

16 April 1999

McMurphy's Tavern

A couple weeks later Bud and Harriet were throwing a wet down party. It was the custom in the Navy that when an officer was promoted, they threw a party to celebrate. Harriet had been promoted to Lieutenant jg, and Bud to full Lieutenant.

The party had been in full swing for a few hours where the men were stationed at the bar watching a few minutes of the basketball game. They were all disappointed that the Bullets, no the Wizards were going to miss the playoffs once again.

Carolyn, Mac, and Jordan were all sitting around one of the tables. Harriet had just left the table to talk to Bud. Carolyn and Jordan were feeling pretty good. They had downed more than a few umbrella drinks in the couple hours they had been there.

Carolyn, like any normal woman, had a crush on Harm. She thought with both Jordan and Mac sitting there with her, now was as good a time to talk about Harm. To find out what kind of lover he was. Was he the perfect officer and gentleman like in the movie 'Top Gun'?

"So Jordan, how's Harm in bed? Is he as good as everyone thinks he is?" Carolyn asked.

Mac giggled as she almost spitted up her drink. Jordan was a little embarrass. Their relationship was still rather new. They had gone out a few times when Harm wasn't busy traveling or working on cases.

Even though they had slept together more than a few times, she was hardly an expert. She decide to deflect the question. She figured Mac should know.

Harm and Mac had been working together for three years. They traveled around the world lot together. She sensed that they were more than partners. She figured they must have been a couple at one point or another.

She also sensed that somehow Harm was still in love with Mac and that she had been lucky to catch him on the rebound. She decided to play it coyly.

This would be a good time to try to find out what Harm and Mac's history was. Harm wasn't exactly an open book. He guarded his privacy pretty better than they guarded the gold at Fort Knox.

"It's hard to say Carolyn, what do you think Mac?" answered Jordan. Mac was caught completely by surprise. How in the world was she supposed to know?

"What? We've never slept together Jordan." exclaimed Mac with a shocked look on her face.

"Come on Mac, you must have slept with Harm. With all the trips that you've taken with him to exotic locals. The many nights alone you've spent with him." teased Carolyn.

"We've slept in the same room a few times and a couple of times he held me in his arms. But each of those times it was because we were stranded outside in the cold. It was the only way to stay warm.

We have never slept together the way you're implying." replied Mac nervously hoping that Jordan believed her.

"Huh, huh. You know he's in love with you Mac. I'm only with him until you decide you want him. I know my relationship with him isn't going to last." smiled Jordan.

"I'm not a threat to you Jordan. We're just friends." replied Mac wondering why everyone kept saying that to her.

"I know there's more going on between the two of you. You're just not on the same page right now. But someday you will be. I know it." answered Jordan sadly.

Mac sat there thinking. 'I wish what she said was true. I wished he loved me like everyone believes he does, but I know it's not true.'

Harm came over to the table looking for someone to dance with him. He asked Jordan to dance, but she deferred to Mac. She wanted to see how they were together. She needed to confirm to herself that what she thought was right.

As much as she loved Harm, she could never have him. She knew Harm was in loved with Mac. She didn't want to stay in a long term relationship with Harm when she knew eventually Harm would go to Mac.

If what she believed to be true, then it was time for her to move on. She needed to get out of the relationship before she invested too much of herself in it. Because the longer she stayed with Harm, the more she was going to be hurt when he finally broke up with her.

She watched Harm and Mac as they were dancing. She saw how Harm held Mac in his arms. He held her like a lover, not as a friend. As they danced she saw Harm pulled Mac closer to him until Mac's head was resting on his chest.

They definitely were in love thought Jordan. I guess I better enjoy the night, for tomorrow I will tell him I'm leaving. It's better to leave now while I still have some dignity.

She saw Harriet moving her way. Just what she needed. I'm sure with a little prodding she will confirm everything I know to be true.

1000 hours

27 April 1999

Jag Headquarters

A couple of weeks later at work there was a knock on her door. Mac looked up from her work to see Harriet standing there with a constipated look on her face.

"What's the matter Harriet, is the baby alright?" asked a concerned Mac.

"What? Oh no Ma'am, you have a telephone call from a Father Genaro on line two." replied Harriet.

"Thank you Harriet." replied Mac.

'Boy she gets weirder everyday. I never would have thought it possible.' thought Mac. Mac punched line two on her phone.

"Hello this is Major MacKenzie." greeted Mac.

"Hello Major, my name is Father Genaro. I run a hospice for the terminally ill." replied Father Genaro.

"How can I help you Father?" asked Mac a bit surprised.

"Do you have a father name Joseph?" asked Father Genaro.

"I did at one time. I haven't seen him in fifteen years. I don't even know if he's still alive." responded Mac bitterly.

"He's here at the hospice. He only has a few more days left to live before he dies." explained Father Genaro.

"Do you think I really care? Why are you calling me? As far as I'm concern he's dead already." snapped Mac.

"He wants to see you before he dies. He wants to asks you for your forgiveness." replied Father Genaro.

"Well I don't want to see him. I hope he rots in hell." cursed Mac.

"You don't mean that Major. You need closure as much as he needs does." argued Father Genaro.

"I don't know Father. I can't promise you anything." Mac replied solemnly.

"Please think about it Major." pleaded Father Genaro.

1400 hours

Jag Courtyard

Mac sat on a bench outside in the courtyard. She had been thinking about what Father Genaro had told her. But she was pretty sure she didn't want to accommodate him.

Her father had caused her so much pain in her life. He had caused her mother to abandon her when she was fifteen. For years she had to listen to him come home and berate her mother.

Then the beatings eventually came. He would beat her mother and then beg for her to forgive him. Why would any man who claimed to love someone, beat them? It never made any sense to her.

Then one day while she was at a friend's house on her fifteenth birthday, her mother left. She loved her mother so much. Her mother helped her make sense of the world.

When she came home to find her mother gone, she wanted to kill her father. She wanted to run away herself, but she had nowhere to go. When she was seventeen she ran away with Chris and got married.

She would go to school in the morning, do her homework in the afternoon, and get drunk at night. Somehow she managed to do well enough to get a scholarship to go to college. She picked one as far away from her father as possible.

She saw a shadow fall across the table in front of her. She looked up to see it was Harm.

"What's up Mac? You've been very quiet since the telephone call you received this morning." asked a worried Harm.

"How do you know about the telephone call?" replied Mac.

"You forgot about the office gossip, Harriet. She's very worried about you. She pleaded with me to see if you were alright." smiled a concerned Harm.

"My father is dying. The priest at the hospice wants me to visit with him before he dies. He wants me to forgive my father." explained Mac.

'But all I want is for you to hold me in your arms and never let me go. When I'm in your arms all the pain goes away and everything in my world is okay.' Mac said to herself. Harm sat down next to her and put an arm around her shoulders to comfort her.

"Maybe you should go Mac. You need closure. You need to show him that he didn't destroy your life. That you overcame the horrors that he inflicted upon you and your mother. That you have been successful with your life." Harm whispered to her softly.

Mac leaned her head into his shoulder and whispered back. "Could you come with me Harm? I don't think I can to do it by myself."

"I'll have to check with the Admiral, but I'm sure it will be alright." replied Harm.

"Thank you Harm. I appreciate it." whispered Mac.


	4. Chapter 4

Title: _**Is That What You Really Want**_

Author: rooster dawn

Classification: Harm/Mac

Spoiler: Silent Service to Goodbyes

Summary: Mac deals with Harm's rejection after killing her husband and his dating Jordan.

Disclaimer: The characters of JAG are the property of Donald Bellisario and Bellisarius Production, Inc. Used without permission. No copyright infringement intended. May be reproduce if unchanged, author given full credit, and no financial transaction is involved.

_Feedback is greatly appreciated and welcomed._

part 4

1000 hours

28 April 1999

Hospice

Harm and Mac flew out to the hospice the next morning. They rented a car from the airport and droved to the hospice. They went inside and noticed all the people milling all around.

The patients were quietly talking to friends and relatives. They seem contented. They walked along the hallway looking into the rooms hoping to see either her father or Father Genaro.

Mac saw someone who looked like her father as she peered into one of the rooms. She went into the room and sat down by his bed. Harm stood behind her. She read the name on hospital bracelet. It was her father.

"He looks peaceful here. He must be sleeping Harm." commented Mac.

"I'm sure it must be from the medication they have given him to mask the pain." replied Harm. Before she could respond Father Genaro walked into the room.

"Hello, I'm Father Genaro."

"Hi, I'm Major Sarah MacKenzie, this is my partner Commander Harmon Rabb. He looks so peaceful. How long has he been sleeping?" asked Mac as she greeted the priest.

"I'm sorry Major, but your father is not sleeping. He lapsed into a coma early this morning. He won't be waking up." offered Father Genaro.

"Damm him! How am I going to have closure now? How am I going tell him how much I hate him?" vented Mac angrily.

Harm took her hand. "You're here Mac. You can still tell him. You can let go of the anger and hate. He'll no longer be able to haunt you." Harm told her quietly.

Mac spent the next half hour telling her father how she felt. She told him how she overcame his abuse. She told him how she learned to succeed with help of friends like Harm. She no longer felt ashame about who she was.

When she was done she and Harm went outside for some fresh air. When she walked out onto the porch she saw a middle aged woman. She looked worn down and tired.

Upon closer scrutiny she recognized the woman as her mother. Mac was shocked, but was happy at the same time. She hadn't seen her in seventeen years.

"Mom, is that you?" asked Mac with tears in her eyes.

Her mother looked up and smiled when she saw Mac. She slowly stood up to get a better look at her daughter.

"Sarah, it is you. I was hoping that you might come." Mac went over to her mother to give her a long hug. She didn't want to let go.

"I'm so happy to see you Mom. I've missed you so much." wailed Mac.

"I've missed you too sweetie. You look so beautiful." wailed her mother.

"I'm am surprise to see you here. I didn't think you would want to see dad again." commented a teary eyed Mac.

"I'm not here to see him sweetie. As far as I'm concern your father can rot in hell. I came here hoping that maybe you would come. It would give me a chance to see you." replied her mother a little angrily.

"I understand Mom. He was a despicable man, who deserves to die alone." agreed Mac.

"I'm sorry I left you there with him sweetie. It wasn't my intention. But the night you were at your friend's house, your father came home and beat me up pretty good.

He said he was going to kill me. When he fell asleep in his chair, I packed up what I could and left. I'm so sorry." sobbed her mother.

"It's okay Mom, I understand. I can't believe how you were able to put up with him for as long as you did. I just wished you took me with you Mom." Mac was in tears too as the two came together for another hug. At this time Harm came out onto the porch and saw them there.

"Mac! Are you alright?" asked an anxious Harm. Mac turned around to face Harm while wiping her tears.

"Yeah, I'm okay. Harm, I would like you to meet Deanne MacKenzie, my mother. Mom this is Harmon Rabb Jr." introduced Mac.

"Harm's my partner at JAG in Washington DC. We're both lawyers. He's in the Navy, I'm in the Marines." explained Mac.

Deanne whispered to Mac "He's a hottie." before saying

"Hello" and shaking hands. Mac blushed and smiled at her mother's comment.

"It's nice to meet you Mrs. MacKenzie. I was going to ask Mac if she was ready to go to lunch. I know she must be hungry right about now. It would be an honor if you would join us." smiled Harm.

She almost lost her breath, what a gorgeous smile. She looked over to Mac who nodded yes in agreement.

"Thank you Harmon, I would be happy to join you and my daughter." replied Deanne.

They went to lunch where they all talked. Mac's mother told her about what she had been doing the last seventeen years. Mac told her about how Uncle Matt rescued her from her own self destruction. That she got her college degree and went into the Marines to honor him.

She then went to Law school a few years later becoming a lawyer. She had been assigned to JAG headquarters for the last three years working with Harm. They mainly tried cases and did some investigations.

They had had a few adventures along the way. She told her mother about her travels around the world with Harm, going to places like Iran, Iraq, Ireland, England, Italy, Panama, Columbia, Japan, and Russia.

Harm had taken her flying in a World War I Steersman and in a F-14 tomcat. They had even traveled under the north pole in a submarine.

Her mother watched her daughter with great interest as Mac talk about her time with Harm. She saw Mac's eyes shine with excitement and a smile so beautiful she almost cried. It had been so long since she had seen her daughter smile.

Mac hadn't smiled the last few years when she was home. They both had been living on eggshells, not wanting to upset her father. She could tell her daughter was in love with Harm.

She could see the look and special smile every time Mac looked at Harm. A warm glow was beginning to fill her inside. It felt so good. She hadn't had this feeling in a very long time.

The next day Mac's father died. They arranged to bury him in a veteran's cemetery a few miles away. Before leaving to return to Washington Mac exchanged addresses with her mother, with her mother promising that she would come out to visit before the end of the summer. Mac and her mother hugged goodbye.

1100 hours

2 May 1999

Doctor's office

Upon their returned from the hospice Harm spent the weekend flying in his Bi-plane. One night he found himself returning to the airfield later than normal. It was getting dark.

Normally it would have been difficult for Harm to land the plane under those conditions, but this time around he felt like he aced it. He was pretty excited.

The reason he wasn't flying tomcats anymore was, because he couldn't see the carrier deck to land at night. He decided to make an appointment with an eye doctor to have his eyes checked. He told the story to the doctor who looked at him confuse.

"Night blindness doesn't go away Commander, it's permanent. Fortunately for you in your case that's not your problem. You have retinal scarring, it can be easily fixed." replied the doctor.

Harm was stunned. He had been misdiagnosed all these years. He still could have been flying.

"If I have my eyes fixed will I be able to see at night, will I be able to land a tomcat on the deck of an aircraft carrier." asked Harm hopefully.

"I don't know. But there is no reason to believe if you were able to do it before, why you shouldn't be able to do it again." replied the Doctor.

"I can schedule you in for surgery next week."

"So soon, I don't know." replied Harm.

"The next opening I have is in six months." responded the doctor.

"Okay Sir, next week it is." replied an excited Harm.


	5. Chapter 5

Title: _**Is That What You Really Want**_

Author: rooster dawn

Classification: Harm/Mac

Spoiler: Silent Service to Goodbyes

Summary: Mac deals with Harm's rejection after killing her husband and his dating Jordan.

Disclaimer: The characters of JAG are the property of Donald Bellisario and Bellisarius Production, Inc. Used without permission. No copyright infringement intended. May be reproduce if unchanged, author given full credit, and no financial transaction is involved.

_Feedback is greatly appreciated and welcomed._

Part 5

1000 hours

10 May 1999

JAG Headquarters

The following week Harm walked into Mac's office.

"Hi!" greeted Mac.

"Hi Mac. Are you busy this afternoon?" asked Harm.

"Nothing that can't be push back a day." replied Mac wondering what was up.

"I'm going to the doctor's office this afternoon. I'm going to need a ride home." offered Harm hoping she wouldn't be too inquisitive.

"What's wrong Harm?" she asked with much concerned.

"Nothing really. Just some routine maintenance. You know I'm not getting any younger." joked Harm.

"Okay Harm, just tell me when and where." replied a worried Mac.

She hoped Harm was being honest with her. Ever since their return from the Watertown things had been better between the two of them. Harm had been more understanding and supportive of her.

1800 hours

Harm's apartment

Mac had picked Harm up at the doctor's office. She had noticed that many of the doctors were eye surgeons. She dreaded what that really meant. But she was going to wait until they got back to his place.

She was not going to cause a scene in a public place. If their discussion was going to end up in an argument, she wanted to do it in private. They picked up a pizza on the way back to Harm's place.

"Thanks Mac for picking me up." offered Harm.

"No problem Harm, that's what friends are for. So why were you at the eye doctor Harm?" asked Mac curiously.

She knew Harm was hiding something from her. She hoped it wasn't something to do with going back to flying.

"I had eye surgery Mac. I had been misdiagnose as having night blindness ten years ago, but I really had retinal scarring. The doctor removed the scar tissue from my retinal today. I should be able to see at night again like before." answered Harm happily, but with some apprehension.

He knew Mac. She would be able to figure what was coming next. He wasn't sure if she would be happy for him.

"That's wonderful Harm, what does this mean?" asked Mac sullenly hoping against hope.

Harm took a deep breath. He had been hoping that they wouldn't talk about this tonight. How was he going to tell her without her feeling hurt and betrayed? He shuddered not knowing what to think.

"It means if I can pass the flight physical, I can return to flying tomcats." beamed Harm apprehensively waiting for the other shoe to fall.

"You can't Harm. That's not your career anymore. It would be a big step backwards for you. You're here at JAG now. You have a great future here. The Admiral is grooming you to take over his job one day.

You would be deserting all your friends." argued Mac wishing that somehow she was getting through his thick skull.

But she knew the answer before she even began the argument. She knew Harm could really be obsessive about things. Flying was one of those things at the top of the list. She could only hope he would see reason.

"Mac, I was force to give up flying because of a misdiagnosis. I wasn't able to leave on my terms. I was born to fly. It's what I've always dreamed about doing since I was a little boy. It's who I am Mac." wailed Harm.

"You mean it was who you were Harm. You're not a little boy anymore. You're a grown man. A man who has become a very successful lawyer, the navy's golden boy. Don't give it all up to live in the past. There are too many people who need and depend upon you here Harm." argued Mac emotionally.

"Do you need me Mac?" asked Harm as he looked deeply into her eyes.

Harm had been doing a lot of thinking since their talk and her almost dying on the Watertown. They had stayed away from talking about the subject since they had return, but it was always there, waiting for answers.

Did he really wish he was married to Mac? Was he still punishing her because she hadn't told him about Chris and John? How would she feel if he did go back to flying? Would she believe he was still punishing her?

Did he love her enough to stay? Did she love him enough to let him go? There were so many questions with too few answers. What was the right choice? Was staying here with Mac the right choice or was it going back to flying and fulfilling a dream?

After all he only had a few more years left to fly. Mac wasn't going anywhere. She had friends here and there was no better place for a lawyer than Washington DC.

Mac stood there speechless. If there was ever a question she never expected to come out of Harm's mouth, that was the one. Did she need him? Of course she did, more than she like to admit.

"I can't answer for you Harm. You have to decide for yourself what's more important to you. I don't want to be the one you blame twenty years from now it you make the wrong choice." answered Mac with apprehension and dread.

"If I leave to fly, will you still be here when I return Mac?" asked Harm almost begging for her to say, ... to say yes.

"I can't promise you anything Harm. You know the military, here today, gone tomorrow. Who knows how long you will be gone Harm? It could be a year or it could be six.

I'm not going to make the decision for you Harm, I can't. Only you can. You're asking me questions one usually reserves for one's wife or fiancee. We aren't a couple Harm." responded Mac.

He wasn't going to sucker her into being the bad guy. He had no right to ask that of her. They weren't married. She had made her case. He would have make the decision on his own and live with the consequences.

"Good night Harm, I'll see you tomorrow." sighed Mac.

"Don't go Mac, please stay." begged Harm.

She shook her head no and left. It wasn't her place to tell him what to do. She would go home and soak in a hot tub. Then she would cry herself to sleep.

24 May 1999

JAG Headquarters

Harm and Mac were standing outside on the steps to JAG. They had just witness the birth of baby Aj. Harriet once again lacked the patience and self control of a Vulcan.

She had gone into labor and thirty minutes later she was giving birth to a little boy. There hadn't been time for the paramedics to get there and transfer her to the hospital.

The Admiral was the only one who had been calm enough to deliver the baby. Tiner, for all his bravado, had passed out while checking on Harriet's progress.

Harm looked over at Mac. He could see the look in her eyes, one of longing and desire for a baby of her own. He had a thought. He knew that he would be leaving soon to go back to flying. He had past the flight physical.

He didn't know how long he would be gone. It could be a year, it could be five. He really didn't know. It all depended upon how well his eyes held up. He had convinced the Admiral to allow him to transfer to a carrier to fly again.

"What do you say that if neither one of us is in a relationship in five years, we go halves on a kid?" asked Harm.

Mac was shocked. What was wrong with her flyboy?

"You and me? Go halves on a kid?" Mac replied with a surprised look on her face.

"Yeah, with your looks and my brains, he would be ... perfect." smiled Harm.

"What if she had your looks and my brains?" flirted Mac smiling.

She couldn't believe she was having this conversation with Harm. She had dreamt about having Harm's children for so long.

"That could work too." smiled Harm as he held out his hand.

"Don't make any promises you can't keep." replied Mac apprehensively, but hopeful.

"I haven't yet." replied a smug Harm.

Mac wanted to take Harm into her arms and hug him among other things, but she knew she couldn't while they were uniform.


	6. Chapter 6

Title: _**Is That What You Really Want**_

Author: rooster dawn

Classification: Harm/Mac

Spoiler: Silent Service to Goodbyes

Summary: Mac deals with Harm's rejection after killing her husband and his dating Jordan.

Disclaimer: The characters of JAG are the property of Donald Bellisario and Bellisarius Production, Inc. Used without permission. No copyright infringement intended. May be reproduce if unchanged, author given full credit, and no financial transaction is involved.

_Feedback is greatly appreciated and welcomed._

part 6

1000 hours

5 June 1999

JAG Headquarters

Twelve days later the Admiral called Harm into his office. He wasn't particularly happy with what he was about to do, but knew he had to. He didn't want Rabb to leave JAG.

He had argued several times with Rabb about how foolish it was for him to return to flying. That he was taking a big step backwards and eventually his career would suffer for it.

He had even tried to get Major MacKenzie to talk to him, but she told him that she had already tried. She had said her piece to him and there was nothing else left for her to say.

The Admiral stood there in his office waiting with transfer papers in his hands. 'Damm' he thought. Why was Rabb being so stubborn? He had already paid his dues in the real Navy. He didn't have to prove anything to anybody. There was a knock at his door.

"Enter!" he bellowed.

"Commander Rabb reporting Sir." replied Harm after coming to attention in front of the Admiral.

"At ease, take a seat. I have your transfer papers here. If you accept them you are to report to your new duty station in two weeks. I'll give you a week to make a decision." the Admiral explained sullenly.

"That won't be necessary Sir. I've already decided to accept the transfer without reservation if it was offered, Sir." replied Harm.

"You can still change you mind Commander." pleaded the Admiral.

"I need to do this Sir. I need to resolve my need to fly. I need to see if I can still do it and leave under my own terms." answered Harm.

"Very well Commander, you're excused for the rest of the day. I'll reassign your caseload. You can finish up any unfinished paperwork you have left. Dismiss!" The Admiral ordered sullenly.

1800 hours

12 June 1999

Rabb's apartment

Harm had spent the week getting ready to leave. He didn't know how long he would be gone so he needed to make arrangements. He had decided that he wanted to hold on to his place while he was away.

He had set up a special joint bank account with his and Mac's name. She would need to be able to handle the bills while he was away. With a joint account in both of their names, she would be able to do so.

It was his way of showing her how important she was to him. That he trusted her to handle things while he was gone.

There was only one thing left for him to do before he left to fly again. They would go out to dinner first before going somewhere special for a walk.

There was a knock at the door. It had to be Mac. She was always on time. When he open the door and saw her standing there, his jaw almost fell to the floor. Mac was looking fantastic as always in a sleeveless black satin dress.

"You ready to leave Flyboy?" asked Mac as she handed Harm the keys to her corvette.

"Ah ... yes. You look so beautiful Mac." admired Harm.

"Thank you Harm. Where are we going to for dinner?" asked Mac.

"To that little Italian restaurant that just opened up. I know how much you love Italian cooking." smiled Harm.

"Good, because I'm starving." smiled Mac in return.

"Tell me something that I didn't know." smiled Harm.

They had a wonderful dinner with good food and conversation. Harm chose the egg plant parmesan and pasta Alfredo. Mac chose the veal parmesan and pasta Alfredo. They both share a chocolate mousse.

Mac was stuffed. She sighed with contentment knowing that she and Harm were good friends again. Their relationship had come so far in the last couple of months. They were back to their easy bantering and flirting.

God, she though about the fact that Harm was leaving in a week. What was she going to do without him in her life. It made her feel sad for a moment, but she wasn't going to let Harm's leaving spoil a wonderful night with Harm.

"You look quite contented there marine. I take it the first mission for tonight has been accomplished?" smiled Harm.

"If you mean has my hunger for nourishment been taken care of, then you're correct." smiled Mac brightly.

"How about we take a ride before going for a walk?" smiled Harm.

"Sounds like a good idea to me. I haven't gotten my usual excise in today." agreed Mac.

Harm stood up and took her hand as he led her out of the restaurant. Harm drove for a little while before he stopped outside the White House Rose Garden.

Mac was a little surprise they were there. She wondered why they were. Harm helped her out of the car before they began there little walk.

"What are we doing here Harm?" asked Mac quietly.

"This is where we met. This is where we started our lives together as partners at JAG. I thought this would be the right place for us to start the next phase of our lives." replied Harm mysteriously.

Mac began thinking to herself 'What is he talking about? He's leaving me soon to fly. Is that what he means? Life without each other? I don't know if I can live without him. The only way I have been able to deal with him leaving, is the belief that he will be coming back one day.'

They walked along for thirty minutes without saying anything. Harm had Mac wrap her arm around his while they walk. They looked like a married couple who had been together for a long time.

Mac tried not to think too much. She just tried to enjoy the moment of what life could be, life being loved by Harm. The weather had been good this year thought Mac as she looked at all the beautiful roses of different colors and types.

She sighed again with quiet contentment before they stop. They were at the center of the garden. Harm asked Mac to take a seat on the bench as he sat down beside her.

He pulled out a small box and opened it. Mac saw the most exquisite and beautiful diamond ring before her. She couldn't believe it. She began to tremble with nervousness.

"Sarah, before I leave next week to fly, I wanted to let you know how much you mean to me. I have never met anyone like you before. There was a time I thought I was in love with Diane, but that was before I knew you and began to understand what love really is.

You have always been there for me. You were there when I got hurt falling down from that landing aboard the ship in Alameda. You were there to defend me when I was accuse of murdering that Russian emigrant.

You were there when I went looking for my father in Russia. I'll never forget that for the rest of my life. I don't know what I would have done if you weren't there for me Sarah.

You have always sacrifice your own needs to satisfy my larger than life ego. Something I didn't understand before you almost died on the Watertown.

You are the most beautiful and intelligent woman I have ever known. You challenge me to be better. I am a better person for knowing you. You have taught me so much.

I know only one thing, that I need you in my life Sarah MacKenzie. Not only do I need you in life, but you have become my life. It's scares me to think that. No one before has ever been so important to me.

No longer am I the most important person in my life, you are Sarah." Harm explained to Mac as he got down onto one knee.

Mac sat there quietly with tears in her eyes as she listened to Harm. She couldn't believe the wonderful things Harm was saying to her. She was so happy and yet so nervous as she knew where this was all leading to.

She couldn't believe that Harm was going to make her dreams come true. She saw him get down on one knee. She wet her lips with anticipation. She looked down at him to look directly into his eyes. She could see the nervousness in him too. He then took her left hand in his.

"Sarah, I love you with all my heart, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?" asked Harm with all the hope in the world.

Mac couldn't speak. She was so happy. All she could do was nod her head to say yes. Harm slipped the ring onto her finger. He stood up pulling her with him. They share a passionate kiss that lasted for what felt like eternity.

"You ready to go home Sarah?" asked Harm.

She nodded yes with tears in her eyes before kissing him again. They went back to his place to spend whatever time they had left together.

Mac took the following week off to spend it with Harm. They went flying in Sarah. They called his parents and grandmother. They did everything possible together before Mac took him to Andrews.

They said their goodbyes promising to keep in touch. A year later Harm and Mac were married in a ceremony at the Naval Academy Chapel. All their family and friends shared in their happiness. After a two month honeymoon they both returned to JAG.

**__**

the end


End file.
